Rocco's World

Fuck me running it's been a while since I managed to pump one out... a post I mean.   Been trying to figure out how I want to format this, try and work out a schedule and, blah, blah blah, shit that don't matter.

Let's talk boobs and pussies.

Or asses rather.

Because this movie is about a guy who is fully capably of fully ensconcing himself within than puckered paradise.  He is a sexual Tasmanian Devil aimed right for your pooper, so you know, try to relax.

SCENE 1
 We start in St. Petersberg. Home of vodka, one-legged brides and...something else, what the fuck is in Russia besides vodka and brides anyway?  Gulag?

Pied Piper of Fucking Lunatics

I'm not exactly sure what happens in the first part of this film.  I think they are trying to lure women into some sort of fuck lair, but it's hard to tell.  All I know is that someone puts on a funny hat and starts yelling at the girls through a cheap novelty blowhorn.  Really, it’s like the worst pied piper ever.

More shit happens, a lot of it is muttered through a plastic horn, so... okay.   What it comes down to is each girl is brought in one by one.  I took three things way from the next hour or so.

First:  I'm not sure how or why, but all of these girls are now auditioning to be part of the Italian Marina, which might be the navy.  I hope it's the navy.  If there is any country that would actually stock it's ships with beautiful women for the men to fuck, it would be the Italians.  I think Silvio Berlusconi actually came up with that rule... or maybe that just happens when he gets on a boat.




Second: You don't want to stumble into a room with this guy.  There will be a flash of activity and you'll have a dick in your mouth and Rocco's face planted in your ass like a bicycle in a rack.  Seriously, it looked like the last girl just sort of stumbled into the room.  As if she was, "Hey just looking for the bathroom or... nope, that's a dudes whole hand inside my asshole.

Third: You wanna get to this party early.  Girls, he's going to put things into your ass, yes.  He's going to put those things into your mouth... which you know, eww.  But.. well here's how it is:
Here's the first girl. 

Note the single digit up the ass.  Just one now.

Lick it up a bit and we are done.  Got that?  Well, here's what was happening by the end.

See the difference?  Yeah, don't be in the back of the line when he is at the front of it, that's all I'm saying.

Oh, and then there's cake.

 The we end this scene with a massive orgy.  The girls all get fucked in the ass several times,  from several different angles.  The girls get creamed in the face two at a time and, Rocco shoves his whole hand down the girl's throat again while cumming this time in a move, I like to call the backstop.

SCENE 2:
You see two things right off the bat here.  You see Rocco running along side some girl on a bike, which makes you fear for the safety of that girls asshole.

Then you see a dominatrix using a riding crop to plant some dude's face in her ass.  So, yeah, this is going to be interesting.

A cute girl in a Micky Mouse shirt shows up briefly, the dom inspects her and decides to save her for later.  Right now she's got to torture her bitch.

She beats the hell out of him for a while until he begs to lick her pussy.  He goes in and... she whips out a strap-on.  "This is my pussy bitch!" she says.
And then.. I don't know really.  There seems to be some massive confusion between male and female genitalia for a while which could get awkward if taken too far.  But we've got two cuties in the next room to abuse... er, I mean... no that pretty much nails it.

She spends a few minutes ramming a variety of dildos into a variety of orifices for a while.  A few, like the one pictured, are about as big as the whole girl it's being rammed into.
Then it's orgy time again, although not quite the all-out find-hole-find-penis-combine-repeat fuck fest of earlier.  This is more like organized chaos with the red-headed master of ceremonies making sure that every ass is properly buggered and each load is deposited at it's appointed spot.

SCENE 3:
I'm going to put it this way:

I mean I could go into detail about how the scene starts out in the kitchen with an 'unorthidox carbanara recipe.  Or the resulting threesome the big- breasted maid between the bald... er cook?  and the owner of the house.

But really, the above image is all I got.  That's a thing that happened.  Several times.  Now you have to live with it as well.

Cluck.

SCENE 4:

So a very cute girl is dropped in with Rocco again.  She struts her tight ass a while before telling us all she has a girlfriend upstairs.  That perks up Rocco's interest as well as mine.

But before we go upstairs, the greedy bastard asks for a 'little' blowjob.  Just a 'little' blowjob.

After nearly choking her to death on his cock and fucking her against a window he only goes upstairs when a police siren goes off.   Yes, the cops are onto our hero's fucking antics.  Time to go upstairs and meet the girlfriend.  That will throw them off his trail.

He goes upstairs to find a girl that reminds me of Uma Therman from Pulp Fiction, or at least the same hairstyle.

Anyway, something very strange happens, especially given the tone of the rest of the movie.  He fucks the girlfriend while our original cutie hangs out and fingers herself.  For almost the entire scene.  After a while he does get into her ass a bit, but then it's back to fucking Uma's pussy and finishing with a decent load in her mouth.  There is an instant, you have to watch it close, but it's there where Rocco is fucking Pulp fiction chick and the first girl is just laying there with a look of evil in her eyes.  Check it out it's there.

Overall.  Very fun watch.  I don't know if I would watch it again.  On the other hand part of what took so long to get this out was watching this over and over and trying to figure out what to talk about.  What I decided?  I'm not saying much.  Go get it yourself, it's worth a look.

Father Figure Vol 2

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

OMG I Fucked My Daughter's BFF

....Or living proof that textspeak is out of fucking control.  I don't know what I was thinking when I picked this one.  It was kind of a random pick, to be sure.  And it was vaguely interesting, I guess.  I don't know.  By the end I was more irritated then aroused.
If having a bunch of girls squeal 'OMG!' over and over again while getting fucked is what turns your crank, go for it.  Watch it a hundred times.  This movie was basically made for you.
If you would rather not be reminded how the English language is being butchered while trying to rub one out... best to grab something else.

 Scene One: Missy Sweet
We start with the poor German accented painter who has lost his muse.  Speaking of which, why the prevalence of Germans
sticking their schnitzel into our pornstars.  This seems to be a job we shouldn't be outsourcing.  Keep American Blowjobs in America so to speak. 

Anyway little Missy Sweet comes over to provide her own inspiration, you know, like you do.


She bends over and throats his man meat.  She sucks, licks his balls and plays with the little seam  just to check for a zipper.  Finding none, she goes back to sucking.  She does all of this fully clothed, which is kind of okay, until he pulls Missy over to pop it in her puss and runs into a little problem... her pants.  Many a dry humper will attest that pants are fucking murder on an erect cock unless unless it is also painfully ensconced in a pair of jeans.    Seriously, ask any high school boy who has had a bit of the old backseat kiss and fondle.

Okay so we strip her naked.  Missy's kind of cute, but not exactly inflicting mass ejaculations with but a wink. She does have kind of a MILF-i-training look to her.  A soccer momlett possibly depending on where this load goes. Our German hero lays her down to eat her out and we get a little glimpse of something nice.  That pussy is wet. Like just in from a summer  downpour wet.  It's pretty visible, and it would have been awesome if that fucking German would have given it more then about  two laps.  Seriously that thing had to be like biting into a wet peach and he gives it a couple of licks and stands up.

Fuck you.  I wanna see that shit.  Get down there and don't come up until your slimy from your about your hair down to your neck.

So he puts her in a complicated hip maneuver and starts going at it.  At one point she pulls out her phone, takes a picture and moans, "OMG!"  This is going to be an annoying theme for this whole video.  If this annoyed you, turn it off.  Seriously it ain't going to get any better and you'll just upset yourself.  Nothing like a pissed off man flogging his dolphin.

Then it's up for a bit of cowgirl.  And she moans OMG!  again.   Sigh.  Dear porn producer: If she has the presence of mind to moan a plug for your stupid fucking movie mid-coitus then, your inconsiderate German friend, isn't doing his job well.

Yodleah-he-hooo!

So, let me ask you a question, ever gotten a really good look up a gaping pussy hole?  'Cause your gonna.  They do that thing where they pull her up so the camera man can get a good look right up her cooter.  Seriously, the damn thing is a speculum.  I would like to know what people think of this shot.  I really would.  There is not a lot of audience yet for  participation, but if anyone actually reads this, I would like to know your thoughts.  I mean seriously, pro or con on the gaping pussy.  Might even add a poll if I can manage it.  Still, your thoughts on a screenfull of puss.  Go.

Anyway I hope you like it, because you are going to see it two more times.  The last one is accompanied with a little finger in the  bunghole.  But three gaping pussy shots to accompany the four half-hearted OMG moans.

After twenty minutes she moans a little request for a face shot.  Seriously she sounded like
a bored housewife. "Sigh..just shoot it on my face, for God's sakes.  I've got to change laundry."  so she get's up kneels down  and get's an impressive amount of cum.  Pretty impressive, like half a cup of confused swimmers oozed in her mouth and around her  upper lip.  It runs down her chin and probably forms a pool on her perky little tits, except the camera doesn't pan down.  Asshole.  Missy pulls out her cell phone and, for the first time, acts all exited about getting fucked.  "OMG you won't believe what just happened!"

A kind of half-hearted sex scene... mmm yeah, I can believe that.

Scene 2: Alexa Rydell
Next, we have a guy folding laundry and making a series of small discoveries in the pantie department.  We don't focus too much on that before Alexa Rydell strides in.  In the cute department she is about a 9, especially with that green, partially see-through tank top on.  Already an improvement.

At this point you would do well to hit the fast forward button until you see boobs.   If you care enough you will catch some half-hearted dialogue about how much all the girls at school like this dude's accent.  Yes, we've got another German  dude...or German adjacent perhaps, I'm not really sure.  Anyway, what I am saying is you're not missing much.  If you were able to jerk a load off to Missy Sweet and looking for a marathon session, you might go ahead and make a sammich or something.

Anyway she leaves, and comes back in just her panties.  Like I said.  Very cute, with tiny titties tipped with nipples that stand up like little pencil erasers.  Our new German friend is playing hard to get, which would be annoying if it didn't provide additional time to enjoy Alexa.  I really don't know what they are saying anymore...and don't fucking care.

Anyway, our hero comes to his senses and starts feeling up Alexa.  He slowly pulls off her hot pink panties and dives into her ass for   couple quick licks.  Really, what is it about German men in this film and half-assed oral sex?

Tattoo, kinda cute.  Idiot with the dick... not so much.

A quick word about pornstar tattoos.  There's been a few up till now, and most of them... meh.  Just kind of there, nothing to make a big fuss over.  There are probably tattoo fetish films that I may or may not get into at some point, but I can't see myself getting all that exited about it.  Alexa's tattoo on the other hand  is a series of stars that go all the way up her body.  I don't know why, but I dig the hell out of it. 

So they fuck for about six or seven minutes and then she gets up to suck his dick.  Then a little spoon position type fucking.  She looks good the entire time.  Still not a ton of enthusiasm, but she has got a smile on her face most of the time, so that's something.    But mostly it's uneventful.  Penis in vagina.  Pull out.  Repeat. 

So that goes on of a while, she licks him a bit and then it's time.   For some reason we have to spend a decent amount of time getting everything ready for the money shot.  It's almost like the director comes out and says, "Okay, everyone get ready.  Alexa.  On your knees.  He's going to SHOOT SPERM IN YOUR FACE!  Okay?  Everyone ready right?  Okay let's do this.  Let's do this thing where he SHOOTS SPERM IN YOUR FACE!"

Personally I like a little more spontaneity in my orgasms.  He dribbles on her chin and we call it good.  Not a great scene, but that's about as good as it's going to get. 

Scene 3: Tracy Sweet
Remember that annoying thing that happened a couple of times in the first scene?  Not the gaping pussy, although that's part of it.  No, the netspeak mid-fuck.  Yeah, that thing.  If that annoyed you as it did me your are about to have a bad time in Porn Town tonight.

Tracy Sweet is next.  She’s looking very cute texting and giggling the way I am led to believe is the way of young women.  Maybe younger then strictly legal.... er.... you know what, let’s not go down that road, it’s been hard enough trying to get my rocks off watching this as it is.

The guy walks in.  It turns out out his daughter ran out do Del Taco or something for like forty five minutes to an hour or so.  Whatever.  Anyway she bounces on the couch and wants to ask him a question.   Okay she wants to know if he’s got a big Ford in the driveway.  He does, he’s got a F150... Kidding.

Does he have a gigantic johnson?  He plays like he doesn’t want to show his daughter’s best friend his manstick and fair enough.  She says she won’t tell anyone.  So he whips it out and she wants to take a picture. 

Hey guys.  In real life if a girl says she’s not going to tell anyone and then takes a picture?  Unless you are playing with your wife, or girlfriend or other person with whom fuckery of any kind of okay, don’t fucking do it.  That picture will pop it's veiny head out at a very awkward moment.

Okay disclaimer out.  So he’s naked and she takes her pants off to show us her cute shaved little cunt.  It’s kind of nice.  And she starts  kind of nibbling his balls.  Not really full-on BJ  just testicular nibblin. 

Then it's her turn He goes down and she starts moaning, LMP!  LMP!  Lick my Pussy.  Great.  Porny textspeak.  Seriously, by the time he actually gets his dick in her, I kind of want her to have a ball-gag.

You're seriously taking a picture.  Now?  Fuck.

So a bit of that and then a bit of her on top trying to text while receiving a righteous fucking, which would piss me right the hell off.  If your lady is seriously composing a text message while you are giving it your all, then you are doing something wrong.   That is just rude and what she does next should, by all rights, get her pulled off his cock.  She takes a another picture.  Seriously, this is like fucking a damn tourist.

"This is me at the Grand Canyon.  This is me at Niagra Falls.   This is me getting my pussy reamed.  This is me putting that cock back in my mouth.  OMG!"

So in the end when he sets her down for a fairly massive nut in her mouth and she seems to gag a little, I’m kind of okay with that.  At least it shut her up finally.

 Scene 4: Tammy Tyler

Okay, last up is Tammy Tyler.  She’s just waking up, or seems to be.  And there’s a creepy guy in a shirt and tie just kind of hanging around there.  Not wanting to be seen he ducks into her room.  Because that makes sense.  No girl will look there.   Anyway she wanders around and then goes into her room.  What I said before, yeah, that was sarcasm. 

Anyway.  He does this wussy little sneeze and she notices him.  OMG WTF...and I’m done.  I’m pretty much zipping my pants up out of annoyance at this point.

Mmmmm.  Quasimodo like fellatio

Anyway, the story comes out that she’s here after a party, she doesn’t know why she’s here, which explains why he’s barely hiding from her.... You know what, if you can’t write a plot.  Don’t.  Just fuck.  OMG FUCK!

So she strips off her shirt and starts sucking him off.  He’s kind of standing there like the hunchback.  Really, check it out’s it’s kind of weird.   Then she bends over and he eats out her ass and pussy for a minute.  And they commence a fucking on his daughter’s bed.  I think that should be pointed out.  Not sure how I feel about that.  It’s kind of nasty hot if that’s your thing.

At some point she decides to make a call. He fucks harder and she orgasms into the receiver which.  I would like to be on the other side of that conversation.    “Wait.  Are you... are you having sex right now?  Why did you call me exactly?  Sure I’ll hold.”

Anyway it turns out she called this dude’s daughter.... which... I don’t know, the prospect of really awkward conversations doesn’t do it for me.  I suppose theirs a certain naughtiness to being caught, but that knowledge doesn’t really make the jacking any better for me.  I just kind of pause mid-stroke, arch my eyebrows and say, “That is going to suck for you, dude.  I hope this chick is worth it.”

Which.. I don’t know if she is.  Kind of cute overall in a kind of girl-next-door way. 

After that he fucks her mouth a bit.

One more annoying Text speak term for this movie.  COT.  Cum on Tits.   He doesn’t  he drops his man-juice right in her mouth which... you know it’s not like he didn’t have time to think, aim or whatever.  Anyway, a little mouth shot.  It ends with a phone call from the dude’s daughter.

“Yeah I fucked your dad.  Are we on for the mall later.”

...
...
I give up.

Overall:  Er... yeah.  Don't bother.  Unless, like I said at the beginning, you get off on textspeak.

Couples Seduce Teens: 23

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Star Wars XXX: A Porn Parody

Okay, bitches.  It's porn feature time: in other words porn with a plot.  It has been suggested by some that porn shouldn't have a plot it should have fucking.  Lot's of fucking, nothing but fucking.  We're not here to engage our minds, we are here to see naked people doing filthy things to each other.
I disagree.   A good plot can enhance the porn, like nice lingerie.   And occasionally they just provide something to giggle at between sessions of sex or furious masturbation. 
This is the the latter one. 
I didn't know quite what to expect going into this.  I am a fan of Star Wars (show me a human who does not like Star Wars, and I will show you one who does not like LIFE!) but porning it all up?  Well....  sure, why not.

I did feel that the movie would be a waste if someone didn't get their vag pounded with a strap-on light-dildo.  I was already annoyed at the name.  Randy Milholland already covered my distaste at porn parody names in his comic, and it was much more cleaver than I can be.  But seriously, how do they not name this Star Whores?  I mean it's begging for it!  It's on it's knees mouth open waiting for the naming jism of Star Whores.  You know what, fuck it.  I'm calling it Star Whores for the rest of this discussion.

Okay Star Whores:  Basically it's a movie making fun of Star Wars with some strange sex thrown in between.  It's a simple formula, but it really works well.  It sounds strange, but the movie is as valuable for the jokes as it is for the sex.  Eddie Izzard fans will laugh at the references to his Cantina Bit and every geek will drop his dick, jump off the couch and cheer when a porn movie calls out the original for it's terrible use of science term, parsec.

By nerdy brethren, you know what I'm talking about don'tcha?

But this is a porn, so enough about the plot, what about the fuckin scenes.  It's got fuckin scenes.

SCENE ONE:  Princess Leia and Darth Vader

Leia Feels the Power of the Dark Side...

Well we get one subject of many a geeky debate flopped out right off the top.  Darth Vader has a big black cock.  It's after Allie Haze puts on a little one-girl-fingering-show for us that I thought started off the film nicely.  We are going to see Allie a few times, so seeing here play with her body for a few minutes was a nice touch, I thought. 
Then she works a Vader cock for a while.  She tries some deep throats with some impressive, if not complete, results.  But the attempt was nice.  The sucking was nice an sloppy and ended with an impressive amount of goo shooting onto her face.  And the sound Vader makes while shooting his wad.. not what I expected. Really, you think they could have done some sound editing.

SCENE TWO: Obi-Wan, A Sandperson and a Speeder

Never thought all of those robes were hiding this much sexiness underneath.  I don't think anyone did. 
This one kind of is what it is.   Obi eats her pussy a bit, props her up on the speeder and goes at her pussy for a while, then the ass, a spritz on the face and a witty comment an that's about it. 

Nothing much to tell.

SCENE THREE: A Cantina Fuck Party:

Actually a couple of scenes, but they are back to back.  This is the other reason I like features.  They get to vary it up a tad.  A simple blowjob here, a one-on-one fucking with a bit of anal here, lesbians, group sex... they are like a filth sampler.  And it was a good as excuse as any to dress up in funny costume for the fucking. 

First, the lesbians.  They go at it in a corner eating each other, fingering each other and what have you.  All while the cantina plays in the background.  This is the second time there has ever been fucking during this song.  The first time is because I’m a geek and I accidentally put my music collection on shuffle.  It wasn’t as awkward as when the Power Rangers song came on, but still.
Anyway, after we get a little pussy licking time in, it's time for a good old fashioned group fuck.  A Twi’lek nearby starts blowing a dude.  (A twi’lek is one of those aliens with the long hangy head things.  Told you I was a geek.)

Meanwhile, other chick is also blowing on of those horn dudes.  It is now officially a Tatooine orgy.
Not really, but it could have been.  It's basically two separate fuck teams.  They could get together for a more orgy-like encounter, but they more or less do their own thing for a while.  They do get together and swap partners towards the end, but they missed the opportunity for a little twi'lek DP action which is something you just kinda have to do if the situation presents itself.

Insert 'feeling horny' joke here.

The two groups split back up for the nut shot.  The human girl very enthusiastically takes several spurts on her huge (fake) tits. The twi’lek  ends up looking very annoyed as she, too gets covered in cum.  Twi’leks, as many star wars geeks might know don’t use semen to reproduce which might explain her hatred of the man-juice.   Actually I just pulled that out of my ass, but spread it around.  Let's see if we can't make that Star Wars cannon in the near future.





Scene 4:  A Three-Way With a Wookie:
That is the new title of my auto-biography by the way.
Han lands the Falcon in the Death Star and a couple of sexy stormtroopers run in to check it out.  They happen upon a wookie with a boner.    And, as one does when encountering an aroused wookie, they start blowing it.

 He does start making sounds I don’t remember from the movies specifically, and I would think that a walking carpet that could rip someone’s arms off would have a bigger cock, but hey  I don’t judge. 
The two girls swap his dick around a while, Chewie puts it a girls ass for a while and then the girl hops on top and puts the cock back in her ass.  All this while the guy is in full Chewbaca costume, by the way.  That's gotta be a special kind of hell for the man and an interesting sensation for the girl.  I wonder if the girl ever thought mid-anal pounding that this was like fucking a welcome mat.  The world may never know.

Scene 5: A Victory Sex Party:
Well, the Death Star is destroyed, (no thanks to Luke's piss-poor shooting, though).  Luke Han and Leia find themselves together.  Oh gee-golly what should they do to pass the time.

And yes, you fucking nerds, Han Shot First

Given the 'Ahem' family relations between Luke and Leia, they are not going to.... oh crap there they go.
Of course that particular taboo already took place if one follows the Star Wars cannon closely enough, but I'm not gonna.  It weirds me out.  If that's your thing.... well whatever makes your grapefruit squirt I guess.
It is a nice final scene.  They guys grope her a little before going down on Luke.  Both guys get to put it in her mouth and pussy in several different positions before a she take control of both dicks for a nice, sloppy demonstration of the cocksucking skills ending with a both guys tossing a decent load on her face.


Overall a fun flick to watch.  Rent it, yes absolutely.  Buy it?  Maybe.  The highly costumed sex scenes are pretty awesome to watch.  Maintaining and erection in that wookie suit had to have a hell of test of willpower.  And it is the type of movie to watch for some sexytime enhancement.  I don't think I would watch it more than about once, but I could see some people doing that.  So all-in-all yeah, pretty fucking good.

Cheers, you fuckers!

Brand New Faces 38: All Natural Teens Edition

Going with one of the newer releases today.
This one came out earlier this month.

The good news is that it's very girl-centric.  They know why your here, you wanna see cute girls.  Cute girls undressing, cute girls playing with their tits, cute girls getting bent over the couch, cute girls with a big ol' wad of man juice dripping down their chin.  Cute girls, cute girls and more cute girls.

That's the good news.  Here's the bad it's over three hours long (The back cover claims four somewhere, and I have no idea why they put that there.  Wait!  Are you saying porn is not subject to the most rigorous advertising standards?  I KNOW!  I was shocked too!), and it only held my attention for about an hour of that.   They have a formula and they stick to it.  

Step 1.  The Interview:  We find out a little about the girl that we came to watch being stuffed like a holiday turkey.  Where she comes from, why she wants to get into porn, etc.

Step 2.  Same thing:  Only naked this time.  This is also where the questions sometimes get awkward.  I don't know why, but the camera guy insists on asking every girl if their parents know they are doing porn.  It's a weird facet of porn to think about while trying to rub one out, but it is a valid question and frankly it deserves some discussion.

Step 3.  Preview: Since they are new on camera, we get to find out exactly what they are willing to do,  where they are willing to put things and how long they are to remain there.  There is nothing more kinky then a few deep-throat blowjobs in this movie, so don't get your hopes up.

Step 3.  Solo Action:  Give the girl a vibrator and let her go to town.

Step 4. The dude comes in, usually Tommy Gunn.  They commence-a-fuckin.

Step 5.  More fuckin.

Step 6. Still Fucking.

Step 7.  Ends with a bit of cum on her face or, in one instance, on her belly.

Repeat five times.  You'll probably cum after the second, watch the third out of interest and bugger the rest.  But whatever, let's take a look.

Scene 1

Chloe Starr is up first.  She doesn't like huge dicks, she's only fucked five guys and she believes that pistachios and escargot help men fuck like a champ.   There's a tip for you guys, take that home with you for free.  You wanna make her scream, it's all about nuts and snails; and from no lesser source than Chloe Starr.

At one point in time she drops her pants and the camera man interviews her pussy.  We find out that she doesn't like the taste of cum, she likes girls when she is drunk and she would never sleep with Hugh Hefner, all while gazing at her lady-parts like a fleshy crystal ball.

They spin her around and do the same thing while featuring her asshole.  I'm not sure what she said because all I could think of was Ace Ventura.  "Excuse me.  I'd like to Ass you a few questions!"

Her solo scene was done with the exact same gusto I use to paint the house.  Seriously, if that's how she get's herself off, then she leads a depressing masturbatory life.  A few minutes of that and a guy finally comes to help her.  It's not much better, although there was one move that made me laugh a little.  It's a move that I am now dubbing 'The Curtain Call.'

The Curtain Call

The Curtain Call:

Pulling up a pornstar's ass cheeks so that one may better see the virtuous pounding bestowed on her pussy.  So much pounding.

He does start jackhammering her cooter pretty well there, we wouldn't want to miss a minute of that, no sirree bob!  So pull up those ass cheeks.  Pull em; like it's the only thing keeping her from dropping off a cliff.

After a while it’s back to more fucking, more sucking, more fucking and then time for the our cum shot.  But wait!  Do you remember the interview at the start of this fuck fest?

No likee the cummee.  No DNA on the tongue.  The question remains.  Will she?  Won't she?  She teases us with the question a couple of times.  She get's down to suck him off and... back to fucking.

 Wait!  How about now... nope more fuckee.

I won't spoil the answer here for two reasons.  First, it's just poor form to reveal the ending to a movie without calling 'spoiler alert.'  And second, it’s not that spectacular.  I’ve seen more excitement come out the end of a leaky faucet.

Scene 2

Next!  Now we interview our cover girl, Sienna Splash. Turn on's: cum on her face, cum on her ass... according to her she basically baths in the stuff.

Turn off's.... er.. New York fans?

I gotta say, if you’re going to have an interview, this is the type of girl you want to spend time talking to.  She’s cute, sexy and dirty as all hell.  She’s naked at one point and I think she’s checking out her own pussy in the camera LCD screen.  She looks down and says, “I wanna squirt on your camera.”
I get the impression if you were to meet this girl in a bar and take her home, you’d be walking with a limp for a month.  Do you hear me?  This girl might break you and I believe most men would let her try.

The camera guy seems to be getting into it to.    He asks here to to squirt on camera.  She looks at the camera and says very sweetly, like a rattlesnake with a pretty bow, “Get me a vibrator.”   I don’t know what went through the camera guy’s head at this point but I guarantee he’s never needed a vibrator so bad in his life.

Fade to black and vibrator acquired.  She starts fucking herself and telling a dirty story about breaking a Macbook after she squirted on it.   That leads to several questions, the first of which being, how do you tell a friend you just broke her Macbook with your girl juice? That strikes me as the end of a friendship... or maybe the start of a new one.  Who knows.  Anyway, she jills herself for a while, but there is no girl cum reaching escape velocity.  Maybe the dude can get a rise out of her. 

She really gets into the scene.  She screams in orgasm over and over.  When it come time to suck a cock she takes it like somebody convinced here it was going to shoot pure vodka.  She squirts just a little.  I was hoping for more, but I’m a greedy bastard that way.  And she finishes with a nice gooey face. 

This is by far the best scene in the movie.  Her performance alone makes this movie worth seeing.

Scene 3:

Okay, let’s interview Kimmy Kay.   The first thing we learn about Kimmy Kay is that she will fuck you if you are ugly.   She might not like it, but she will do it.  How does that make your grapefruit squirt?  She likes smacking her tits.   She likes porn, but she won’t cum unless she sees double penetration.  She also brings a vibrator everywhere she goes.  You know... in case she sees some double penetration somewhere.  Like on the bus, or in front of the library... you know... like you do.

She makes herself cum during her masturbation bit.  The interesting part about that is that she didn’t even move the vibrator, she just set it on her clit, reved it up and there she went. 

Okay, time for a 'Porn is Weird Moment:   Tommy comes in, hands in pockets, practicaly whistling non-chelantly.  “Oh hey, great to meet you.  I’m Tommy Pistol.”  He goes from that to planting himself face first in her vagina.  Just like that.  "Oh Hi.  I'm Tommy.  Hey is that your vagina.  Excuse me!"

This scene is just nice.  The fucking in the previous scene was the dirty fuck, fucking.  The kind of hair pulling, screaming pounding fucking that will lead to awkward complaints from the neighbors.   Here Kimmy is getting a more gentle fuck.  She takes a helping of dick with a look of supreme happiness.  It is a face that says, yes I do enjoy having public sex with guy who looks like Gomer Pile, thanks for asking.

Daddy must be so proud.

Remember when I said the question about the girls family led to weird moments?  Well, here we go! She intimated during the interview that her parents did know she was going to be fucking for the camera.  They weren't particularly happy about it, but there you go.  Towards the end while she is on all fours with a dick buried deep in her pussy, she looks at the camera and says, “This one is for my dad!”

Correct me if I am wrong, but I don't think those words  have never been said in any porno ever.  This girl has a sick sense of humor.  Well done.

Scene 4

Next is Abbie Anderson.   She looks a bit like a soccer-momlet.  But, okay.  She’s an Iowa girl running from a flatulent ex-boyfriend, or at least that’s the story.  We come back to the parent question.  Apparently mommy knows, but daddy is in prison.  There you go guys, daddy issues.  Those of you that get off on crazy bitches, here is your girl.  Not really my thing, but only because my experiences with fucked up girls never ended with well... or at least not this well. 

We try a bit with the vibrator herself but it doesn’t really go anywhere.  So the camera guy gets into it with a little playful rough-housing.  When he uses the vibrator on her, she starts moaning.  That’s when she cums a bit, so there you go.

Okay so Tommy comes in, they are doing some plotting: what’s going to go where, for how long, how much cum, where it shall be deposited and the extra charges for shipping and handling.  They decide they want to run a 'scene’.  Cool, a little role playing.

So here’s the scene, she just got raped and Tommy is playing the police officer come to check her out...

...

...

WHAT.  THE.  FUCK?????

I don't even want to dip a little toe into the rape/porn debate pond.   I'm not even feeding the rape ducks that happen to swim in the rape pond.  I will say this:  At very least... at very least, there ought to be a warning going in to something like that.  

See here’s the thing.  Porn is best shared be it with a wife, girlfriend, hooker you picked up at a truckstop, WHATEVER!  A good porn adds a bit of ambiance to prolonged sexytime.  Obviously there is a special genre called couples porn, but sometimes any porn will do. But this... this will end sexytime in a big hurry.  Worst case, the woman is going to jump out of bed, kick you in the balls and run for it.  Best case, you’ll end up have a discussion about gender roles in society and the imposed role of women, blah, blah, blah when you were supposed to be having orgasms!  Orgasms!  Camera guy.  Not.  Helping.  Sexytime.

Spare a thought for the men less fortunate then myself if nothing else.  My woman came to me with a extremely positive disposition to the pornographic arts.   Others had to work on it.  They had to spend weeks, months... maybe even years before the lady would allow a bit of visual aid into Sexytime.  That one instant would pretty much ruin everything.  

Are you happy now?

*sigh*  You know what. Fuck it.  Fast forward, let’s just get this over with and try to salvage whats left of my erection.

They abandon their plucky little rape scene in a bit hurry and Tommy just dives into her pussy.  I imagine that's how he solves any awkward situation, which makes him a hit at Thanksgiving Dinner, no doubt.

Blowjob time and the woman does, what I am now terming, the Sad Pumpkin Double Fishook.  

Sad Pumpkin Double Fishook:  

When a girl uses her fingers to open her mouth wider to better accommodate a face fucking, but does so in a way that makes it look like someone's fucking a sad-face-clown.

Don’t know what it does for the dude, but from where I'm sitting, it just looks bizarre and I’m still trying to get the rapening out of my head.

The rest of the pounding is more or less uneventful and she ends with a load on her face.

Scene 5

Finally we are at Melody Waters.  Kinda cute.  Never cums from fucking... which will be interesting.  Okay men, new game.  It's called: 'Is She Faking?'   Ready...wait for it.

First she has to play with herself.  She plunges her hand inside her pussy and regales us with a story about the time her creepy-ass stepdad saw her naked.  Those of you with a thing for daddy issues must be loving the shit out of this.

One man's attempt at acting is another's 'I just got kicked in the balls' face.

Old Tommy Pistol comes in and the camera guy wants to do another scene.  I after his last idea, I think I felt my asshole slam shut.  In this scene, in honor of Melody’s story,  Tommy is her stepdad.  He is going to barge in the room under the pretense of a prostate problem and catch her diddling herself.  Faux-semi-incestuous- fucking to presumably follow.

As expected the resulting buffoonery was pathetic.  Kind of funny if your into stupid looking guys running into a room yelling about urinary problems, but bad if you’re trying to pound your pud.  I was trying to pound it.  Thinking about putting it away now. Thanks.

Anyway, to the game I mentioned earlier.  Is she cumming?

The answer is... no.  Not during the whole scene.  If they were in an apartment, the neighbors wouldn’t even know.  The policeman wouldn’t have knocked on the door.  They would have come out of the broom closet, a little ashamed, but no worse for wear.  Honestly I started spacing off about halfway and started looking for funny pictures on the Internet.

So overall:  Honestly there is only one good scene.   The rest of them were just kind of... okay.  So no.  Probably not  worth a rental.  Buying should be a forgone conclusion.