Jailbait 8

Like cute, young ladies? 
Sure!

Like to see them have hot monkey sex?
That's why I'm here.

Wanna see them get choked?  All of them?  With the choking?  Ummmm....

How about slapping?  You like that?  Some titty slapping?  Wait, what?

What about bizarre storylines that will make your erection wither in your hands as you try to figure out what's going on?   You know, maybe I'll just watch Scrubs tonight.

Did you know Eric Everhard walks around with dog treats in his pocket?

.....That's it.  I'm out.

Welcome to the first post of Fuck Films.  Today we are talking about Jailbait 8.  It's somehow fitting that I started with this one.  I didn't mean to, really I didn't this was just the one I happened to rent when I decided to start writing about porno.  And yet all the strangeness of adult film seemed to come out here.  Inexplicable storylines, sex moves that would get you kicked out of any self-respecting woman's bed...  Did I mention Everhard and the dog treats?  More on that later, but seriously,  Wiskey Tango Foxtrot?

The first thing I noticed was the choking.  It happens in porn films, usually it's not serious just part of rough sex play... dat's cool.  And that's what it is here.  It's not serious or anything, the girls are still moaning away and they are remaining much the same color as were when they went in.  Some guys might like that.  Not a fan myself, I'm a lover not a fighter.

 But every scene?  There is not one scene where the girls neck remains unmolested by a rutting man? Not here.  Not now.  If that's your bag, this is your flick.

Scene 1:
Giselle Leon is the oh-so-playful girl is kicking her soccer ball down a seedy warehouse district... you know, like you do.  Giselle is cute and we are getting a little visual appetizer so... sure.  I'll put up with this, for a little while.
Of course she kicks her ball right through the open window of one of the warehouses... sorta.  I won't go into much detail other then to say that it's moments like this where my inner film geek threatens to kill my erection.

And who is there?  Why it's Mr. Everhard willing to trade his new ball for a bit of fun with his.  Then the two fuckhumans start engaging in some pre-coital conversation.  Listen, as a porn producer I know gripping dialogue is not your forte.   If it was, you would do movies that don't require a cum rag.  But this is one of those awkward exchanges that reminds me of myself trying to pick up on girls when I was a teenager.  It was pathetic then, I don't need reminders now.  Especially when I'm trying to bust a nut here.

Those are boobs, bro.  Not a stress ball.

And the two commence a fuckin. There's some mild sexual acrobatics about midway where he hoists her up and bangs the shit out of her while standing.  That's cool.

There's a strange moment later when Everhard grabs her tits... and not sexy-like grabbing either.  It's more like I am a crab with a claw full of boob. 

It ends with a bit of jizz in the mouth which she swallows... oh and she gets her fucking soccer ball back.  How cute.

Scene 2:
Gracie Glam is next with the naughty school girl theme.  She is writing repeatedly that she will not blow the football team.... Really?!  Screw what's about to happen, show that!  That should be interesting. 
They don't show that, she finishes her detention and falls asleep at her desk and starts to dream. It is a nice dream.   It is Glam dressed (briefly) in lacy underwear playing with a pair of pom poms while she strips.  Hot.
Sometimes all you need is a pretty girl, although it's better when she get's fucked senseless... and just such a man more or less dives face first into her pussy.  It's pretty impressive.  With the Olympics going on I had to fight the urge to hold up a score.
Past that, they more or less just go at it on a bed and then he blows his load down her back.  Points for getting a spurt as far as her tits, but I think I would still have rather seen the football team.

Scene 3
This one stars Lily Carter home alone when a traveling salesman calls.  I don't think those actually exist anymore, come to thing of it.  Most of your door to door solicitors these days are religious in nature and could probably use a surprise bit of poontang.  Anyway Toni Ribas is trying to sell her something.  I don't know what it was because Carter opens her blouse and we get a look at her beautiful bra-covered tits.  She's wearing a light blue lacy number that would probably bring out her eyes if anyone bothered to look.
The play with some pom poms, we get to see her ass jiggle and then they are both naked and he's fucking her mouth.  Well, okay.  I would have preferred a bit of undressing.  But it is a nice sloppy blowjob, so bang on.


This is fucking good old-fashioned dirty fucking.  Hard monkey sex.  At one point he even gets her to squirt just a little and then bangs away more.  Hard monkey sex. 



Then it gets weird.

Toni Ribas slaps her face.  Okay, a little violent but this is good hard fucking.  It's rough sex play about a step up from butt slapping.  I get it.  Then comes a porn move I will never understand, the hard tit slap.  Really?  Who does that?  Are people honestly turned on by treating a nice pair treated like basketballs?

I'm not even going to go into the vagina slap.  There should be a ref standing by for that one to flag a penalty.

Don't try this at home...especially if she's a biter.

Then we go back to the mouth fucking.  This scene is good for that alone, I'm a fan of a nice sloppy hummer...until he briefly does some kind of greko-roman wrestling move and locks her head on his cock.  If nobody cums, she better tap out.  There is more pounding, slapping, and pounding.  It ends with a huge load on her face. 



Scene 4:
Tiffany Star is next on the phone trying to score some cigarettes.  She hangs up and goes next door and.... oh shit. Toni. Not again.

Run girl.  You're cute and he's crazy.  Run while your pussy is unslapped upon. 

Anyway the story goes on.  She knocks over a stack of porno mags, and swipes a cigarette.   Then she's out smoking and... spoiler alert.... he catches her threatens to tell on her. So she blows him... like you do.

After a little oral he takes her inside and slowly undresses her.  That's nice, she has a cute little body and we get to take some time with it.  And then they commence a fuckin.  He spends a lot of time with his hands around her neck.  Like he's afraid her head might fall off by sheer force o' fuckin.  At one point he throws a pillow on her face and slaps the pillow I think because he just ran out of soft things to beat into submission. 

The scene has a happy ending for creampie fans.  That's nice.  Switch up where the cum goes.  People like that.  Well i like that.

Scene 5:

This scene kind of makes the whole movie worth it as long as you pass right by the talky bits.
We start out with Everhard in a walk and talk commenting on the state of porn... or at least porn girls.   "There are just no hot girls anymore.  Not like there used to be.  Why in the old days hot girls would jump out of the bushes and gobble your knob right on the street." Okay he didn't say that, but he might as well have.  Suddenly, horray!  There's a hot one right there.  Talking on a phone with a little dog by her.  How are our heroes going to convince that sweet young thing to jump on his staff like a Dalmatian into a firetruck?  How indeed..

Seriously how? They debate it for a long time.

Finally he hatches a plan to kidnap the girl's dog.  How's that strike you?  Not creepy enough. He apparently walks around with dog treats in his pocket, "Just in case."  In case of what?  I had to stop the movie and think about that for a while.  He walks around with dog treats in this pocket on the off chance he will need to kidnap a hot girl's dog?  Also handy in case of porno bear attack.  They are mean this time of year.

I'm not one of those guys who says porn shouldn't have a plot.  Sometimes it's kind of hot to have some context for the fucking.   This is not one of those times.  You can't write so just bring out the girls and let the games begin.

Anyway now our heroine, Tweety Valentine, is completely distraught trying to find her dog.... you know what.  Fuck This Noise. 

See that thing in your hand?  Well, let go of that.  It's probably all floppy anyway since you had to engage your big head to figure out why a porn star walks the streets with Beggin Strips in his pocket.  Grab the remote and hit fast forward until you see Tweety's ass.

Everhard going to dinner.

And the two commence a fucking... and what a fucking it is.  She really gets into it hardstyle.    She screams and squirms, she pulls off his cock with her whole body shaking in orgasm.  She yells at Everhard that she's about to cum again and again... and she makes a pretty convincing case of it.  

He squirts a few ropes of cum on her flushed red face to bring us out.

Overall:  Meh, 5 out of 10. 

Pros: Hot girls
Variety in sexing

Cons: Little rougher than I like my porn
Not a lot as far as production goes.
Stories are just laughable.
Seriously though, dog treats.