Monday, October 8, 2012

OMG I Fucked My Daughter's BFF

....Or living proof that textspeak is out of fucking control.  I don't know what I was thinking when I picked this one.  It was kind of a random pick, to be sure.  And it was vaguely interesting, I guess.  I don't know.  By the end I was more irritated then aroused.
If having a bunch of girls squeal 'OMG!' over and over again while getting fucked is what turns your crank, go for it.  Watch it a hundred times.  This movie was basically made for you.
If you would rather not be reminded how the English language is being butchered while trying to rub one out... best to grab something else.

 Scene One: Missy Sweet
We start with the poor German accented painter who has lost his muse.  Speaking of which, why the prevalence of Germans
sticking their schnitzel into our pornstars.  This seems to be a job we shouldn't be outsourcing.  Keep American Blowjobs in America so to speak. 

Anyway little Missy Sweet comes over to provide her own inspiration, you know, like you do.


She bends over and throats his man meat.  She sucks, licks his balls and plays with the little seam  just to check for a zipper.  Finding none, she goes back to sucking.  She does all of this fully clothed, which is kind of okay, until he pulls Missy over to pop it in her puss and runs into a little problem... her pants.  Many a dry humper will attest that pants are fucking murder on an erect cock unless unless it is also painfully ensconced in a pair of jeans.    Seriously, ask any high school boy who has had a bit of the old backseat kiss and fondle.

Okay so we strip her naked.  Missy's kind of cute, but not exactly inflicting mass ejaculations with but a wink. She does have kind of a MILF-i-training look to her.  A soccer momlett possibly depending on where this load goes. Our German hero lays her down to eat her out and we get a little glimpse of something nice.  That pussy is wet. Like just in from a summer  downpour wet.  It's pretty visible, and it would have been awesome if that fucking German would have given it more then about  two laps.  Seriously that thing had to be like biting into a wet peach and he gives it a couple of licks and stands up.

Fuck you.  I wanna see that shit.  Get down there and don't come up until your slimy from your about your hair down to your neck.

So he puts her in a complicated hip maneuver and starts going at it.  At one point she pulls out her phone, takes a picture and moans, "OMG!"  This is going to be an annoying theme for this whole video.  If this annoyed you, turn it off.  Seriously it ain't going to get any better and you'll just upset yourself.  Nothing like a pissed off man flogging his dolphin.

Then it's up for a bit of cowgirl.  And she moans OMG!  again.   Sigh.  Dear porn producer: If she has the presence of mind to moan a plug for your stupid fucking movie mid-coitus then, your inconsiderate German friend, isn't doing his job well.

Yodleah-he-hooo!
So, let me ask you a question, ever gotten a really good look up a gaping pussy hole?  'Cause your gonna.  They do that thing where they pull her up so the camera man can get a good look right up her cooter.  Seriously, the damn thing is a speculum.  I would like to know what people think of this shot.  I really would.  There is not a lot of audience yet for  participation, but if anyone actually reads this, I would like to know your thoughts.  I mean seriously, pro or con on the gaping pussy.  Might even add a poll if I can manage it.  Still, your thoughts on a screenfull of puss.  Go.

Anyway I hope you like it, because you are going to see it two more times.  The last one is accompanied with a little finger in the  bunghole.  But three gaping pussy shots to accompany the four half-hearted OMG moans.

After twenty minutes she moans a little request for a face shot.  Seriously she sounded like
a bored housewife. "Sigh..just shoot it on my face, for God's sakes.  I've got to change laundry."  so she get's up kneels down  and get's an impressive amount of cum.  Pretty impressive, like half a cup of confused swimmers oozed in her mouth and around her  upper lip.  It runs down her chin and probably forms a pool on her perky little tits, except the camera doesn't pan down.  Asshole.  Missy pulls out her cell phone and, for the first time, acts all exited about getting fucked.  "OMG you won't believe what just happened!"

A kind of half-hearted sex scene... mmm yeah, I can believe that.

Scene 2: Alexa Rydell
Next, we have a guy folding laundry and making a series of small discoveries in the pantie department.  We don't focus too much on that before Alexa Rydell strides in.  In the cute department she is about a 9, especially with that green, partially see-through tank top on.  Already an improvement.

At this point you would do well to hit the fast forward button until you see boobs.   If you care enough you will catch some half-hearted dialogue about how much all the girls at school like this dude's accent.  Yes, we've got another German  dude...or German adjacent perhaps, I'm not really sure.  Anyway, what I am saying is you're not missing much.  If you were able to jerk a load off to Missy Sweet and looking for a marathon session, you might go ahead and make a sammich or something.

Anyway she leaves, and comes back in just her panties.  Like I said.  Very cute, with tiny titties tipped with nipples that stand up like little pencil erasers.  Our new German friend is playing hard to get, which would be annoying if it didn't provide additional time to enjoy Alexa.  I really don't know what they are saying anymore...and don't fucking care.

Anyway, our hero comes to his senses and starts feeling up Alexa.  He slowly pulls off her hot pink panties and dives into her ass for   couple quick licks.  Really, what is it about German men in this film and half-assed oral sex?
Tattoo, kinda cute.  Idiot with the dick... not so much.

A quick word about pornstar tattoos.  There's been a few up till now, and most of them... meh.  Just kind of there, nothing to make a big fuss over.  There are probably tattoo fetish films that I may or may not get into at some point, but I can't see myself getting all that exited about it.  Alexa's tattoo on the other hand  is a series of stars that go all the way up her body.  I don't know why, but I dig the hell out of it. 

So they fuck for about six or seven minutes and then she gets up to suck his dick.  Then a little spoon position type fucking.  She looks good the entire time.  Still not a ton of enthusiasm, but she has got a smile on her face most of the time, so that's something.    But mostly it's uneventful.  Penis in vagina.  Pull out.  Repeat. 

So that goes on of a while, she licks him a bit and then it's time.   For some reason we have to spend a decent amount of time getting everything ready for the money shot.  It's almost like the director comes out and says, "Okay, everyone get ready.  Alexa.  On your knees.  He's going to SHOOT SPERM IN YOUR FACE!  Okay?  Everyone ready right?  Okay let's do this.  Let's do this thing where he SHOOTS SPERM IN YOUR FACE!"

Personally I like a little more spontaneity in my orgasms.  He dribbles on her chin and we call it good.  Not a great scene, but that's about as good as it's going to get. 

Scene 3: Tracy Sweet
Remember that annoying thing that happened a couple of times in the first scene?  Not the gaping pussy, although that's part of it.  No, the netspeak mid-fuck.  Yeah, that thing.  If that annoyed you as it did me your are about to have a bad time in Porn Town tonight.

Tracy Sweet is next.  She’s looking very cute texting and giggling the way I am led to believe is the way of young women.  Maybe younger then strictly legal.... er.... you know what, let’s not go down that road, it’s been hard enough trying to get my rocks off watching this as it is.

The guy walks in.  It turns out out his daughter ran out do Del Taco or something for like forty five minutes to an hour or so.  Whatever.  Anyway she bounces on the couch and wants to ask him a question.   Okay she wants to know if he’s got a big Ford in the driveway.  He does, he’s got a F150... Kidding.

Does he have a gigantic johnson?  He plays like he doesn’t want to show his daughter’s best friend his manstick and fair enough.  She says she won’t tell anyone.  So he whips it out and she wants to take a picture. 

Hey guys.  In real life if a girl says she’s not going to tell anyone and then takes a picture?  Unless you are playing with your wife, or girlfriend or other person with whom fuckery of any kind of okay, don’t fucking do it.  That picture will pop it's veiny head out at a very awkward moment.

Okay disclaimer out.  So he’s naked and she takes her pants off to show us her cute shaved little cunt.  It’s kind of nice.  And she starts  kind of nibbling his balls.  Not really full-on BJ  just testicular nibblin. 

Then it's her turn He goes down and she starts moaning, LMP!  LMP!  Lick my Pussy.  Great.  Porny textspeak.  Seriously, by the time he actually gets his dick in her, I kind of want her to have a ball-gag.

You're seriously taking a picture.  Now?  Fuck.
So a bit of that and then a bit of her on top trying to text while receiving a righteous fucking, which would piss me right the hell off.  If your lady is seriously composing a text message while you are giving it your all, then you are doing something wrong.   That is just rude and what she does next should, by all rights, get her pulled off his cock.  She takes a another picture.  Seriously, this is like fucking a damn tourist.

"This is me at the Grand Canyon.  This is me at Niagra Falls.   This is me getting my pussy reamed.  This is me putting that cock back in my mouth.  OMG!"

So in the end when he sets her down for a fairly massive nut in her mouth and she seems to gag a little, I’m kind of okay with that.  At least it shut her up finally.

 Scene 4: Tammy Tyler

Okay, last up is Tammy Tyler.  She’s just waking up, or seems to be.  And there’s a creepy guy in a shirt and tie just kind of hanging around there.  Not wanting to be seen he ducks into her room.  Because that makes sense.  No girl will look there.   Anyway she wanders around and then goes into her room.  What I said before, yeah, that was sarcasm. 

Anyway.  He does this wussy little sneeze and she notices him.  OMG WTF...and I’m done.  I’m pretty much zipping my pants up out of annoyance at this point.

Mmmmm.  Quasimodo like fellatio
Anyway, the story comes out that she’s here after a party, she doesn’t know why she’s here, which explains why he’s barely hiding from her.... You know what, if you can’t write a plot.  Don’t.  Just fuck.  OMG FUCK!

So she strips off her shirt and starts sucking him off.  He’s kind of standing there like the hunchback.  Really, check it out’s it’s kind of weird.   Then she bends over and he eats out her ass and pussy for a minute.  And they commence a fucking on his daughter’s bed.  I think that should be pointed out.  Not sure how I feel about that.  It’s kind of nasty hot if that’s your thing.

At some point she decides to make a call. He fucks harder and she orgasms into the receiver which.  I would like to be on the other side of that conversation.    “Wait.  Are you... are you having sex right now?  Why did you call me exactly?  Sure I’ll hold.”

Anyway it turns out she called this dude’s daughter.... which... I don’t know, the prospect of really awkward conversations doesn’t do it for me.  I suppose theirs a certain naughtiness to being caught, but that knowledge doesn’t really make the jacking any better for me.  I just kind of pause mid-stroke, arch my eyebrows and say, “That is going to suck for you, dude.  I hope this chick is worth it.”

Which.. I don’t know if she is.  Kind of cute overall in a kind of girl-next-door way. 

After that he fucks her mouth a bit.

One more annoying Text speak term for this movie.  COT.  Cum on Tits.   He doesn’t  he drops his man-juice right in her mouth which... you know it’s not like he didn’t have time to think, aim or whatever.  Anyway, a little mouth shot.  It ends with a phone call from the dude’s daughter.

“Yeah I fucked your dad.  Are we on for the mall later.”

...
...
I give up.

Overall:  Er... yeah.  Don't bother.  Unless, like I said at the beginning, you get off on textspeak.