Thursday, September 6, 2012

Couples Seduce Teens: 23

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Star Wars XXX: A Porn Parody

Okay, bitches.  It's porn feature time: in other words porn with a plot.  It has been suggested by some that porn shouldn't have a plot it should have fucking.  Lot's of fucking, nothing but fucking.  We're not here to engage our minds, we are here to see naked people doing filthy things to each other.
I disagree.   A good plot can enhance the porn, like nice lingerie.   And occasionally they just provide something to giggle at between sessions of sex or furious masturbation. 
This is the the latter one. 
I didn't know quite what to expect going into this.  I am a fan of Star Wars (show me a human who does not like Star Wars, and I will show you one who does not like LIFE!) but porning it all up?  Well....  sure, why not.

I did feel that the movie would be a waste if someone didn't get their vag pounded with a strap-on light-dildo.  I was already annoyed at the name.  Randy Milholland already covered my distaste at porn parody names in his comic, and it was much more cleaver than I can be.  But seriously, how do they not name this Star Whores?  I mean it's begging for it!  It's on it's knees mouth open waiting for the naming jism of Star Whores.  You know what, fuck it.  I'm calling it Star Whores for the rest of this discussion.

Okay Star Whores:  Basically it's a movie making fun of Star Wars with some strange sex thrown in between.  It's a simple formula, but it really works well.  It sounds strange, but the movie is as valuable for the jokes as it is for the sex.  Eddie Izzard fans will laugh at the references to his Cantina Bit and every geek will drop his dick, jump off the couch and cheer when a porn movie calls out the original for it's terrible use of science term, parsec.

By nerdy brethren, you know what I'm talking about don'tcha?

But this is a porn, so enough about the plot, what about the fuckin scenes.  It's got fuckin scenes.

SCENE ONE:  Princess Leia and Darth Vader

Leia Feels the Power of the Dark Side...
Well we get one subject of many a geeky debate flopped out right off the top.  Darth Vader has a big black cock.  It's after Allie Haze puts on a little one-girl-fingering-show for us that I thought started off the film nicely.  We are going to see Allie a few times, so seeing here play with her body for a few minutes was a nice touch, I thought. 
Then she works a Vader cock for a while.  She tries some deep throats with some impressive, if not complete, results.  But the attempt was nice.  The sucking was nice an sloppy and ended with an impressive amount of goo shooting onto her face.  And the sound Vader makes while shooting his wad.. not what I expected. Really, you think they could have done some sound editing.

SCENE TWO: Obi-Wan, A Sandperson and a Speeder


Never thought all of those robes were hiding this much sexiness underneath.  I don't think anyone did. 
This one kind of is what it is.   Obi eats her pussy a bit, props her up on the speeder and goes at her pussy for a while, then the ass, a spritz on the face and a witty comment an that's about it. 

Nothing much to tell.



SCENE THREE: A Cantina Fuck Party:

Actually a couple of scenes, but they are back to back.  This is the other reason I like features.  They get to vary it up a tad.  A simple blowjob here, a one-on-one fucking with a bit of anal here, lesbians, group sex... they are like a filth sampler.  And it was a good as excuse as any to dress up in funny costume for the fucking. 

First, the lesbians.  They go at it in a corner eating each other, fingering each other and what have you.  All while the cantina plays in the background.  This is the second time there has ever been fucking during this song.  The first time is because I’m a geek and I accidentally put my music collection on shuffle.  It wasn’t as awkward as when the Power Rangers song came on, but still.
Anyway, after we get a little pussy licking time in, it's time for a good old fashioned group fuck.  A Twi’lek nearby starts blowing a dude.  (A twi’lek is one of those aliens with the long hangy head things.  Told you I was a geek.)
Meanwhile, other chick is also blowing on of those horn dudes.  It is now officially a Tatooine orgy.
Not really, but it could have been.  It's basically two separate fuck teams.  They could get together for a more orgy-like encounter, but they more or less do their own thing for a while.  They do get together and swap partners towards the end, but they missed the opportunity for a little twi'lek DP action which is something you just kinda have to do if the situation presents itself.

Insert 'feeling horny' joke here.
The two groups split back up for the nut shot.  The human girl very enthusiastically takes several spurts on her huge (fake) tits. The twi’lek  ends up looking very annoyed as she, too gets covered in cum.  Twi’leks, as many star wars geeks might know don’t use semen to reproduce which might explain her hatred of the man-juice.   Actually I just pulled that out of my ass, but spread it around.  Let's see if we can't make that Star Wars cannon in the near future.





Scene 4:  A Three-Way With a Wookie:
That is the new title of my auto-biography by the way.
Han lands the Falcon in the Death Star and a couple of sexy stormtroopers run in to check it out.  They happen upon a wookie with a boner.    And, as one does when encountering an aroused wookie, they start blowing it.
 He does start making sounds I don’t remember from the movies specifically, and I would think that a walking carpet that could rip someone’s arms off would have a bigger cock, but hey  I don’t judge. 
The two girls swap his dick around a while, Chewie puts it a girls ass for a while and then the girl hops on top and puts the cock back in her ass.  All this while the guy is in full Chewbaca costume, by the way.  That's gotta be a special kind of hell for the man and an interesting sensation for the girl.  I wonder if the girl ever thought mid-anal pounding that this was like fucking a welcome mat.  The world may never know.

Scene 5: A Victory Sex Party:
Well, the Death Star is destroyed, (no thanks to Luke's piss-poor shooting, though).  Luke Han and Leia find themselves together.  Oh gee-golly what should they do to pass the time.
And yes, you fucking nerds, Han Shot First
Given the 'Ahem' family relations between Luke and Leia, they are not going to.... oh crap there they go.
Of course that particular taboo already took place if one follows the Star Wars cannon closely enough, but I'm not gonna.  It weirds me out.  If that's your thing.... well whatever makes your grapefruit squirt I guess.
It is a nice final scene.  They guys grope her a little before going down on Luke.  Both guys get to put it in her mouth and pussy in several different positions before a she take control of both dicks for a nice, sloppy demonstration of the cocksucking skills ending with a both guys tossing a decent load on her face.


Overall a fun flick to watch.  Rent it, yes absolutely.  Buy it?  Maybe.  The highly costumed sex scenes are pretty awesome to watch.  Maintaining and erection in that wookie suit had to have a hell of test of willpower.  And it is the type of movie to watch for some sexytime enhancement.  I don't think I would watch it more than about once, but I could see some people doing that.  So all-in-all yeah, pretty fucking good.

Cheers, you fuckers!