Brand New Faces 38: All Natural Teens Edition

Going with one of the newer releases today.
This one came out earlier this month.

The good news is that it's very girl-centric.  They know why your here, you wanna see cute girls.  Cute girls undressing, cute girls playing with their tits, cute girls getting bent over the couch, cute girls with a big ol' wad of man juice dripping down their chin.  Cute girls, cute girls and more cute girls.

That's the good news.  Here's the bad it's over three hours long (The back cover claims four somewhere, and I have no idea why they put that there.  Wait!  Are you saying porn is not subject to the most rigorous advertising standards?  I KNOW!  I was shocked too!), and it only held my attention for about an hour of that.   They have a formula and they stick to it.  

Step 1.  The Interview:  We find out a little about the girl that we came to watch being stuffed like a holiday turkey.  Where she comes from, why she wants to get into porn, etc.

Step 2.  Same thing:  Only naked this time.  This is also where the questions sometimes get awkward.  I don't know why, but the camera guy insists on asking every girl if their parents know they are doing porn.  It's a weird facet of porn to think about while trying to rub one out, but it is a valid question and frankly it deserves some discussion.

Step 3.  Preview: Since they are new on camera, we get to find out exactly what they are willing to do,  where they are willing to put things and how long they are to remain there.  There is nothing more kinky then a few deep-throat blowjobs in this movie, so don't get your hopes up.

Step 3.  Solo Action:  Give the girl a vibrator and let her go to town.

Step 4. The dude comes in, usually Tommy Gunn.  They commence-a-fuckin.

Step 5.  More fuckin.

Step 6. Still Fucking.

Step 7.  Ends with a bit of cum on her face or, in one instance, on her belly.

Repeat five times.  You'll probably cum after the second, watch the third out of interest and bugger the rest.  But whatever, let's take a look.

Scene 1

Chloe Starr is up first.  She doesn't like huge dicks, she's only fucked five guys and she believes that pistachios and escargot help men fuck like a champ.   There's a tip for you guys, take that home with you for free.  You wanna make her scream, it's all about nuts and snails; and from no lesser source than Chloe Starr.

At one point in time she drops her pants and the camera man interviews her pussy.  We find out that she doesn't like the taste of cum, she likes girls when she is drunk and she would never sleep with Hugh Hefner, all while gazing at her lady-parts like a fleshy crystal ball.

They spin her around and do the same thing while featuring her asshole.  I'm not sure what she said because all I could think of was Ace Ventura.  "Excuse me.  I'd like to Ass you a few questions!"

Her solo scene was done with the exact same gusto I use to paint the house.  Seriously, if that's how she get's herself off, then she leads a depressing masturbatory life.  A few minutes of that and a guy finally comes to help her.  It's not much better, although there was one move that made me laugh a little.  It's a move that I am now dubbing 'The Curtain Call.'

The Curtain Call

The Curtain Call:

Pulling up a pornstar's ass cheeks so that one may better see the virtuous pounding bestowed on her pussy.  So much pounding.

He does start jackhammering her cooter pretty well there, we wouldn't want to miss a minute of that, no sirree bob!  So pull up those ass cheeks.  Pull em; like it's the only thing keeping her from dropping off a cliff.

After a while it’s back to more fucking, more sucking, more fucking and then time for the our cum shot.  But wait!  Do you remember the interview at the start of this fuck fest?

No likee the cummee.  No DNA on the tongue.  The question remains.  Will she?  Won't she?  She teases us with the question a couple of times.  She get's down to suck him off and... back to fucking.

 Wait!  How about now... nope more fuckee.

I won't spoil the answer here for two reasons.  First, it's just poor form to reveal the ending to a movie without calling 'spoiler alert.'  And second, it’s not that spectacular.  I’ve seen more excitement come out the end of a leaky faucet.

Scene 2

Next!  Now we interview our cover girl, Sienna Splash. Turn on's: cum on her face, cum on her ass... according to her she basically baths in the stuff.

Turn off's.... er.. New York fans?

I gotta say, if you’re going to have an interview, this is the type of girl you want to spend time talking to.  She’s cute, sexy and dirty as all hell.  She’s naked at one point and I think she’s checking out her own pussy in the camera LCD screen.  She looks down and says, “I wanna squirt on your camera.”
I get the impression if you were to meet this girl in a bar and take her home, you’d be walking with a limp for a month.  Do you hear me?  This girl might break you and I believe most men would let her try.

The camera guy seems to be getting into it to.    He asks here to to squirt on camera.  She looks at the camera and says very sweetly, like a rattlesnake with a pretty bow, “Get me a vibrator.”   I don’t know what went through the camera guy’s head at this point but I guarantee he’s never needed a vibrator so bad in his life.

Fade to black and vibrator acquired.  She starts fucking herself and telling a dirty story about breaking a Macbook after she squirted on it.   That leads to several questions, the first of which being, how do you tell a friend you just broke her Macbook with your girl juice? That strikes me as the end of a friendship... or maybe the start of a new one.  Who knows.  Anyway, she jills herself for a while, but there is no girl cum reaching escape velocity.  Maybe the dude can get a rise out of her. 

She really gets into the scene.  She screams in orgasm over and over.  When it come time to suck a cock she takes it like somebody convinced here it was going to shoot pure vodka.  She squirts just a little.  I was hoping for more, but I’m a greedy bastard that way.  And she finishes with a nice gooey face. 

This is by far the best scene in the movie.  Her performance alone makes this movie worth seeing.

Scene 3:

Okay, let’s interview Kimmy Kay.   The first thing we learn about Kimmy Kay is that she will fuck you if you are ugly.   She might not like it, but she will do it.  How does that make your grapefruit squirt?  She likes smacking her tits.   She likes porn, but she won’t cum unless she sees double penetration.  She also brings a vibrator everywhere she goes.  You know... in case she sees some double penetration somewhere.  Like on the bus, or in front of the library... you know... like you do.

She makes herself cum during her masturbation bit.  The interesting part about that is that she didn’t even move the vibrator, she just set it on her clit, reved it up and there she went. 

Okay, time for a 'Porn is Weird Moment:   Tommy comes in, hands in pockets, practicaly whistling non-chelantly.  “Oh hey, great to meet you.  I’m Tommy Pistol.”  He goes from that to planting himself face first in her vagina.  Just like that.  "Oh Hi.  I'm Tommy.  Hey is that your vagina.  Excuse me!"

This scene is just nice.  The fucking in the previous scene was the dirty fuck, fucking.  The kind of hair pulling, screaming pounding fucking that will lead to awkward complaints from the neighbors.   Here Kimmy is getting a more gentle fuck.  She takes a helping of dick with a look of supreme happiness.  It is a face that says, yes I do enjoy having public sex with guy who looks like Gomer Pile, thanks for asking.

Daddy must be so proud.

Remember when I said the question about the girls family led to weird moments?  Well, here we go! She intimated during the interview that her parents did know she was going to be fucking for the camera.  They weren't particularly happy about it, but there you go.  Towards the end while she is on all fours with a dick buried deep in her pussy, she looks at the camera and says, “This one is for my dad!”

Correct me if I am wrong, but I don't think those words  have never been said in any porno ever.  This girl has a sick sense of humor.  Well done.

Scene 4

Next is Abbie Anderson.   She looks a bit like a soccer-momlet.  But, okay.  She’s an Iowa girl running from a flatulent ex-boyfriend, or at least that’s the story.  We come back to the parent question.  Apparently mommy knows, but daddy is in prison.  There you go guys, daddy issues.  Those of you that get off on crazy bitches, here is your girl.  Not really my thing, but only because my experiences with fucked up girls never ended with well... or at least not this well. 

We try a bit with the vibrator herself but it doesn’t really go anywhere.  So the camera guy gets into it with a little playful rough-housing.  When he uses the vibrator on her, she starts moaning.  That’s when she cums a bit, so there you go.

Okay so Tommy comes in, they are doing some plotting: what’s going to go where, for how long, how much cum, where it shall be deposited and the extra charges for shipping and handling.  They decide they want to run a 'scene’.  Cool, a little role playing.

So here’s the scene, she just got raped and Tommy is playing the police officer come to check her out...

...

...

WHAT.  THE.  FUCK?????

I don't even want to dip a little toe into the rape/porn debate pond.   I'm not even feeding the rape ducks that happen to swim in the rape pond.  I will say this:  At very least... at very least, there ought to be a warning going in to something like that.  

See here’s the thing.  Porn is best shared be it with a wife, girlfriend, hooker you picked up at a truckstop, WHATEVER!  A good porn adds a bit of ambiance to prolonged sexytime.  Obviously there is a special genre called couples porn, but sometimes any porn will do. But this... this will end sexytime in a big hurry.  Worst case, the woman is going to jump out of bed, kick you in the balls and run for it.  Best case, you’ll end up have a discussion about gender roles in society and the imposed role of women, blah, blah, blah when you were supposed to be having orgasms!  Orgasms!  Camera guy.  Not.  Helping.  Sexytime.

Spare a thought for the men less fortunate then myself if nothing else.  My woman came to me with a extremely positive disposition to the pornographic arts.   Others had to work on it.  They had to spend weeks, months... maybe even years before the lady would allow a bit of visual aid into Sexytime.  That one instant would pretty much ruin everything.  

Are you happy now?

*sigh*  You know what. Fuck it.  Fast forward, let’s just get this over with and try to salvage whats left of my erection.

They abandon their plucky little rape scene in a bit hurry and Tommy just dives into her pussy.  I imagine that's how he solves any awkward situation, which makes him a hit at Thanksgiving Dinner, no doubt.

Blowjob time and the woman does, what I am now terming, the Sad Pumpkin Double Fishook.  

Sad Pumpkin Double Fishook:  

When a girl uses her fingers to open her mouth wider to better accommodate a face fucking, but does so in a way that makes it look like someone's fucking a sad-face-clown.

Don’t know what it does for the dude, but from where I'm sitting, it just looks bizarre and I’m still trying to get the rapening out of my head.

The rest of the pounding is more or less uneventful and she ends with a load on her face.

Scene 5

Finally we are at Melody Waters.  Kinda cute.  Never cums from fucking... which will be interesting.  Okay men, new game.  It's called: 'Is She Faking?'   Ready...wait for it.

First she has to play with herself.  She plunges her hand inside her pussy and regales us with a story about the time her creepy-ass stepdad saw her naked.  Those of you with a thing for daddy issues must be loving the shit out of this.

One man's attempt at acting is another's 'I just got kicked in the balls' face.

Old Tommy Pistol comes in and the camera guy wants to do another scene.  I after his last idea, I think I felt my asshole slam shut.  In this scene, in honor of Melody’s story,  Tommy is her stepdad.  He is going to barge in the room under the pretense of a prostate problem and catch her diddling herself.  Faux-semi-incestuous- fucking to presumably follow.

As expected the resulting buffoonery was pathetic.  Kind of funny if your into stupid looking guys running into a room yelling about urinary problems, but bad if you’re trying to pound your pud.  I was trying to pound it.  Thinking about putting it away now. Thanks.

Anyway, to the game I mentioned earlier.  Is she cumming?

The answer is... no.  Not during the whole scene.  If they were in an apartment, the neighbors wouldn’t even know.  The policeman wouldn’t have knocked on the door.  They would have come out of the broom closet, a little ashamed, but no worse for wear.  Honestly I started spacing off about halfway and started looking for funny pictures on the Internet.

So overall:  Honestly there is only one good scene.   The rest of them were just kind of... okay.  So no.  Probably not  worth a rental.  Buying should be a forgone conclusion.

Jailbait 8

Like cute, young ladies? 
Sure!

Like to see them have hot monkey sex?
That's why I'm here.

Wanna see them get choked?  All of them?  With the choking?  Ummmm....

How about slapping?  You like that?  Some titty slapping?  Wait, what?

What about bizarre storylines that will make your erection wither in your hands as you try to figure out what's going on?   You know, maybe I'll just watch Scrubs tonight.

Did you know Eric Everhard walks around with dog treats in his pocket?

.....That's it.  I'm out.

Welcome to the first post of Fuck Films.  Today we are talking about Jailbait 8.  It's somehow fitting that I started with this one.  I didn't mean to, really I didn't this was just the one I happened to rent when I decided to start writing about porno.  And yet all the strangeness of adult film seemed to come out here.  Inexplicable storylines, sex moves that would get you kicked out of any self-respecting woman's bed...  Did I mention Everhard and the dog treats?  More on that later, but seriously,  Wiskey Tango Foxtrot?

The first thing I noticed was the choking.  It happens in porn films, usually it's not serious just part of rough sex play... dat's cool.  And that's what it is here.  It's not serious or anything, the girls are still moaning away and they are remaining much the same color as were when they went in.  Some guys might like that.  Not a fan myself, I'm a lover not a fighter.

 But every scene?  There is not one scene where the girls neck remains unmolested by a rutting man? Not here.  Not now.  If that's your bag, this is your flick.

Scene 1:
Giselle Leon is the oh-so-playful girl is kicking her soccer ball down a seedy warehouse district... you know, like you do.  Giselle is cute and we are getting a little visual appetizer so... sure.  I'll put up with this, for a little while.
Of course she kicks her ball right through the open window of one of the warehouses... sorta.  I won't go into much detail other then to say that it's moments like this where my inner film geek threatens to kill my erection.

And who is there?  Why it's Mr. Everhard willing to trade his new ball for a bit of fun with his.  Then the two fuckhumans start engaging in some pre-coital conversation.  Listen, as a porn producer I know gripping dialogue is not your forte.   If it was, you would do movies that don't require a cum rag.  But this is one of those awkward exchanges that reminds me of myself trying to pick up on girls when I was a teenager.  It was pathetic then, I don't need reminders now.  Especially when I'm trying to bust a nut here.

Those are boobs, bro.  Not a stress ball.

And the two commence a fuckin. There's some mild sexual acrobatics about midway where he hoists her up and bangs the shit out of her while standing.  That's cool.

There's a strange moment later when Everhard grabs her tits... and not sexy-like grabbing either.  It's more like I am a crab with a claw full of boob. 

It ends with a bit of jizz in the mouth which she swallows... oh and she gets her fucking soccer ball back.  How cute.

Scene 2:
Gracie Glam is next with the naughty school girl theme.  She is writing repeatedly that she will not blow the football team.... Really?!  Screw what's about to happen, show that!  That should be interesting. 
They don't show that, she finishes her detention and falls asleep at her desk and starts to dream. It is a nice dream.   It is Glam dressed (briefly) in lacy underwear playing with a pair of pom poms while she strips.  Hot.
Sometimes all you need is a pretty girl, although it's better when she get's fucked senseless... and just such a man more or less dives face first into her pussy.  It's pretty impressive.  With the Olympics going on I had to fight the urge to hold up a score.
Past that, they more or less just go at it on a bed and then he blows his load down her back.  Points for getting a spurt as far as her tits, but I think I would still have rather seen the football team.

Scene 3
This one stars Lily Carter home alone when a traveling salesman calls.  I don't think those actually exist anymore, come to thing of it.  Most of your door to door solicitors these days are religious in nature and could probably use a surprise bit of poontang.  Anyway Toni Ribas is trying to sell her something.  I don't know what it was because Carter opens her blouse and we get a look at her beautiful bra-covered tits.  She's wearing a light blue lacy number that would probably bring out her eyes if anyone bothered to look.
The play with some pom poms, we get to see her ass jiggle and then they are both naked and he's fucking her mouth.  Well, okay.  I would have preferred a bit of undressing.  But it is a nice sloppy blowjob, so bang on.


This is fucking good old-fashioned dirty fucking.  Hard monkey sex.  At one point he even gets her to squirt just a little and then bangs away more.  Hard monkey sex. 



Then it gets weird.

Toni Ribas slaps her face.  Okay, a little violent but this is good hard fucking.  It's rough sex play about a step up from butt slapping.  I get it.  Then comes a porn move I will never understand, the hard tit slap.  Really?  Who does that?  Are people honestly turned on by treating a nice pair treated like basketballs?

I'm not even going to go into the vagina slap.  There should be a ref standing by for that one to flag a penalty.

Don't try this at home...especially if she's a biter.

Then we go back to the mouth fucking.  This scene is good for that alone, I'm a fan of a nice sloppy hummer...until he briefly does some kind of greko-roman wrestling move and locks her head on his cock.  If nobody cums, she better tap out.  There is more pounding, slapping, and pounding.  It ends with a huge load on her face. 



Scene 4:
Tiffany Star is next on the phone trying to score some cigarettes.  She hangs up and goes next door and.... oh shit. Toni. Not again.

Run girl.  You're cute and he's crazy.  Run while your pussy is unslapped upon. 

Anyway the story goes on.  She knocks over a stack of porno mags, and swipes a cigarette.   Then she's out smoking and... spoiler alert.... he catches her threatens to tell on her. So she blows him... like you do.

After a little oral he takes her inside and slowly undresses her.  That's nice, she has a cute little body and we get to take some time with it.  And then they commence a fuckin.  He spends a lot of time with his hands around her neck.  Like he's afraid her head might fall off by sheer force o' fuckin.  At one point he throws a pillow on her face and slaps the pillow I think because he just ran out of soft things to beat into submission. 

The scene has a happy ending for creampie fans.  That's nice.  Switch up where the cum goes.  People like that.  Well i like that.

Scene 5:

This scene kind of makes the whole movie worth it as long as you pass right by the talky bits.
We start out with Everhard in a walk and talk commenting on the state of porn... or at least porn girls.   "There are just no hot girls anymore.  Not like there used to be.  Why in the old days hot girls would jump out of the bushes and gobble your knob right on the street." Okay he didn't say that, but he might as well have.  Suddenly, horray!  There's a hot one right there.  Talking on a phone with a little dog by her.  How are our heroes going to convince that sweet young thing to jump on his staff like a Dalmatian into a firetruck?  How indeed..

Seriously how? They debate it for a long time.

Finally he hatches a plan to kidnap the girl's dog.  How's that strike you?  Not creepy enough. He apparently walks around with dog treats in his pocket, "Just in case."  In case of what?  I had to stop the movie and think about that for a while.  He walks around with dog treats in this pocket on the off chance he will need to kidnap a hot girl's dog?  Also handy in case of porno bear attack.  They are mean this time of year.

I'm not one of those guys who says porn shouldn't have a plot.  Sometimes it's kind of hot to have some context for the fucking.   This is not one of those times.  You can't write so just bring out the girls and let the games begin.

Anyway now our heroine, Tweety Valentine, is completely distraught trying to find her dog.... you know what.  Fuck This Noise. 

See that thing in your hand?  Well, let go of that.  It's probably all floppy anyway since you had to engage your big head to figure out why a porn star walks the streets with Beggin Strips in his pocket.  Grab the remote and hit fast forward until you see Tweety's ass.

Everhard going to dinner.

And the two commence a fucking... and what a fucking it is.  She really gets into it hardstyle.    She screams and squirms, she pulls off his cock with her whole body shaking in orgasm.  She yells at Everhard that she's about to cum again and again... and she makes a pretty convincing case of it.  

He squirts a few ropes of cum on her flushed red face to bring us out.

Overall:  Meh, 5 out of 10. 

Pros: Hot girls
Variety in sexing

Cons: Little rougher than I like my porn
Not a lot as far as production goes.
Stories are just laughable.
Seriously though, dog treats.